It’s only cooking so it’s SFW. All ‘taters, young and old can read.
May Queen1 had been walking around in high spirits since the morning. Today was the day he had been waiting for, the day he would go on a tractor drive date with Genpei Potato2, whom he longed for. With his handsome form, sweet taste (mask), and the way he fell apart while cooking, Genpei Potato had received tremendous support from many girls. May Queen also sprouted a bud of love for him.
However, May Queen resigned to the fate of his feelings never coming to fruition. Because both he and Genpei Potato were men. It was a love where he simply gazed at the many girls who became mash in front of Genpei Potato.
Genpei Potato had long noticed May Queen’s eyes on him. Truth be told, he too loved May Queen. He thought if the other did not make the first move, he would. Thus, he confessed to May Queen. Surprised at the sudden confession, May Queen was confused and wondered if he was simply being a naive tot. But when he realized that the other’s feelings were genuine, love flared up, and feelings tumbled out in quick succession. Not minding their gender, they began their mushy love life.
The two fellow potatoes were now having their first date. As May Queen waited for his beloved in the field, he heard something rolling down from the other side of the farm road.
That rolling fella’ was a well known thug on the streets, Irish Cobbler3.
“Why, isn’t ‘dat May Queen. What are ya’ doin’ ‘ere? Aren’t ya becomin’ a couch potato on de field all day? Why dontcha join us to play?
“Sorry, I have something important to attend to.”
“Hehehe, you’re waitin’ for that Genpei feller’ aren’t ya? He won’t be coming. I absolutely shredded his tractor tires.”
At that moment, all the men that the Irish Cobbler had brought restrained May Queen, restricting his movements.
“Irish Cobbler! What are you doing!”
“Isn’t it obvious? Imma cook ya up real fine. Hehehehe, I liked ya right from the past. Your vibrant colour, just the perfect amount of roughness. Simply thinking about you makes me turn into french fries, y’know?”
Saying so, the Irish Cobbler ordered his men, and they pushed him down on the ground as if they were about to make mashed potato out of him.
“Fuck, stop! If you do this, don’t think that Genpei Potato will let you go easily!”
“Hehehehe, nobody’s gonna come ‘ere. Oops, your precious starch will be bruised and turn purple even if you resist even a little. This isn’t a sweet potato, and I definitely ain’t a sweet potato either.”
The men’s vile hands reached for May Queen and forcibly peeled off his skin.
“Don’t be like that. I’ll make ya feel good real soon… yer’ scum after all!!”
“Fuck, you’re the scum here…! Genpei, come quick! Help!”
“Ahh, that reaction. Yer’ really a fresh little potato. Kukuku, I’m so excited that I might unknowingly release potato soup.”
May Queen tried his best to fight back. However, the men were unfazed. Meanwhile, Irish Cobbler’s hands tried to make german salad of May Queen’s embarrassing baby potato, as if to say, “I’ll turn you into gnocchi.”
“Why, you. Even though yer’ an ordinary potato, ye’ got such a sweet potato down there. I really can’t endure it anymore. My sweet potato is getting hot and steamy too.”
“Hmph, what sweet potato? Isn’t yours more like a dried potato chip? It can’t even be called a croquette!”
“You bitch, just because ya have a sweet potato face doesn’t mean ya can’t get carried away… yer’ still giving that show of courage even after all this?”
Irish Cobbler’s roughness assaulted May Queen. Shame and humiliation filled May Queen.
“Fuck you, you ugly, defective potato… the only potato that can touch me is Genpei!”
“Hehehe, cry all ya want. No matter what ya do, yer’ Sapporo Potato has already become a lumpy vegetable.”
May Queen grit his teeth in frustration. If this went on, he would turn into potato butter for real…!
“Oi, oi, if you’re so sensitive, aren’t you gonna get cooked real quick? What kind of baked potato are you!?”
May Queen turned his face away, feeling as if he was betraying Genpei. He hated letting this gorilla potato do as he wished. “Please Genpei, come save me quick–!”, he thought.
“Yer’ already cooked, aren’t ya? No need to hold back, be honest with yer’ body and… release your sprouts!!”
At that moment, with a roar, a combine harvester rushed into the field, sending the Irish Cobblers flying one after another.
“You dare lay a hand on my May Queen… You’re all going to the vending machine!”
No sooner than when he said it, Genpei got down from the combine harvester.
“May Queen! Are you okay? Ah, they made your appearance so miserable… if only I came sooner!”
“No, I believed that you would come. I’m happy. Huh? This is strange. There’s vichyssoise4 coming out of my eyes…”
And then, May Queen and Genpei embraced, and once again confirmed the fruits of their love.
Editor’s Note: Happy birthday to me! My gift to myself is to cringe at the potato jokes that I made down below~ Happy April Fool’s!
What’s a potato’s favorite horror movie? Silence of the Yams; Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater; Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead; Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing